


You can't outrun the rain

by orphan_account



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: F/F, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-08-13 15:54:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20176888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Vanessa struggles with her grief, tells Johnny his grandad is never coming back and realises her mistake in pushing Charity away.





	You can't outrun the rain

**Author's Note:**

> I posted a ficlet to tumblr but was then inspired to continue so if you follow me there you'll have seen a small part of this before.

“Are you okay?” Charity’s voice was quiet, hesitant. She’d been wanting to ask the question all day but was scared it would push Vanessa over the edge that she was clearly teetering on. She’d sworn to be strong, to look after Tracy and Charity didn’t want to get in the way of that.

“I’m fine.”

“A wise woman once told me never to say I’m okay when I’m not.”

“That woman also told you to talk in your own time. I appreciate you helping both of us today Charity but I really just need to sleep.” the pain in her eyes was evident, she looked exhausted.

“Course. Come here.”

Charity drew her into a brief hug before pulling away to take a good look at her grieving fiancé, rubbing her hands up and down Vanessa’s arms reassuringly. She looked into her eyes, watching as Vanessa’s wandered around her face, unable to focus on one spot.

Her eyes searched Charity’s face as if she’d find the answers there. An explanation for how this time yesterday her dad was playing with her son, making him laugh like no one else could and not even 24 hours later he was gone. She struggled the most with the thoughts about how much this would affect Johnny. No one had found the ring at the factory leaving everyone, particularly Megan, completely oblivious to the fact that Frank had planned to propose that day. Their memory of him had been tarnished by the detectives sniffing around asking questions that seemed to point the finger at Frank as the cause of the factory fire. It was looking increasingly likely that Megan wasn’t interested in hanging around, evidence was stacking up that her and Eliza were about to add to the list of people Johnny had lost. Vanessa had been so reluctant to let Johnny and Eliza get close, knowing that Frank and Megan had previously had a turbulent relationship. She didn’t want him getting too attached in case it all went south. Eventually she’d given in, sensing that this was it for her dad – Megan was the one. This wasn’t a situation she’d prepared for, never did she think that grief would be the thing to tear their small unit apart. Infidelity yes, jealousy yes, but not death. Not the death of her father.

“What you thinking? I can almost hear that brain of yours working overtime” Charity’s voice interrupted her train of thought, a supportive hand resting on her shoulder resuming the position it had taken almost constantly since the accident.

“Johnny.” was all she could manage. Thinking it was one thing, saying it out loud was another. They say a problem shared is a problem halved but Vanessa couldn’t bring herself to share any of her burden. It made it too real, it gave her false hope that there was something somebody could do to help. No. No good could come from sharing what she was feeling. If she continued keeping busy she could push the heartbreak to the side, compartmentalising to get through the days. Her coping mechanism seemed to be moving fast enough for the grief not to catch her, it reminded her of something her dad used to say to her as a child.

“If you run fast enough the rain can’t catch you.”

It was nonsense. You can’t outrun the rain. Just like you can’t keep busy enough to escape grief. It catches up with you eventually.

“Johnny’s fine, him and Moses are loving holiday club, we’re running out of wall space for all their artwork.”

Charity knew that’s not what Vanessa meant, but telling him about his grandad had to come from her. It had to be in her own time, it would inevitably be the hardest conversation she’d ever had with him and her son will look to her for guidance. She couldn’t fall apart.

“I know he is now, but how long can that last? He’s lost his grandad and he doesn’t even know it yet, he’ll be losing Eliza who he’s just getting close to, his auntie spends the majority of the days in tears and his mum-“ she caught herself.

“His mum what?” Charity pushed gently.

“His mum is busy running around after everyone else.”

“But babe, you don’t _have_ to do that. You lost your dad, you need to let yourself feel it.”

“That’s rich.” the anger that had previously been directed at Tracy filled Vanessa’s eyes again, Charity had seen how spiteful her words could be. How spiteful the grief could make her. But she was prepared for anything, if a verbal punching bag was what Vanessa needed, a verbal punching bag was what she would be.

“I know. But I had someone telling me that talking helps, and when I didn’t listen supporting me anyway. And guess what, that person was right. I wouldn’t be where I am now if it wasn’t for you, please take your own advice. Put yourself first for once.” Charity reached out to take Vanessa’s hand but she pulled away and busied herself in any way she could.

“I’m going to pick Johnny up early, I should tell him when it’s quiet and I have time to properly explain.”

“If you’re sure you’re ready, I could come with?” Charity suggested, not wanting to push, something she’d learned from and really appreciated from Vanessa over the past year.

“I should do it on my own, I’ll just crumble if you’re there.”

It was the first time Vanessa had openly acknowledged she was struggling, and Charity had to stop herself saying ‘wouldn’t that be a good thing’. Watching her fiancé try to constantly distract herself, not letting herself feel anything was more heartbreaking than if she had been a blubbering mess. Charity knew all too well what shoving your feelings to the side felt like, what damage bottling it up did. She was so lucky to have found Vanessa, who had accepted her and all her flaws and taught her how to open up. She could never express how grateful she was for the support Vanessa had given her when everyone else was ready to give up. She only hoped she could be half as good for Vanessa as she had been for her.

* * *

“Why didn’t Moses come home with me?” Johnny asked, craning his neck to look up at Vanessa, not letting go of her hand.

“I picked you up early, he’ll be home soon.”

“Are we going to grandad’s?” he jumped with excitement, swinging the arm that was attached to his mum’s.

“No sweetheart, but we do need to talk about him.”

They walked into the pub hand in hand, Vanessa only breaking contact to take off Johnny’s coat before picking him up and sitting him on the sofa. She took a seat right up next to him, pulling him into her side and cuddling him, as if her arms could protect him from the blow that was coming.

“Is he poorly? I can make him a card Moses will help we love the painting table you get to put paint on your hands it feels funny and squishy.” Johnny said quickly, wriggling in his mum’s arms.

“No Johnny he’s not poorly. I need you to listen carefully okay?”

He nodded, mouth open with concentration as he stared at his mummy.

“Well grandad got hurt. You know how auntie Tracy has been poorly? She got poorly at the factory where grandad worked. He was there and he helped her.”

He paused for a moment, taking in what Vanessa had told him.

“Who helped him?”

“Special people called paramedics.”

“Para-par-me” he tried to repeat.

“But the thing is Johnny, he was too hurt. They tried to help him but they couldn’t.”

“Why not? They could take him to the doctors and give him juice that makes me feel better.” he suggested innocently.

“That medicine won’t help your grandad. You won’t be seeing grandad again darling.” Tears filled her eyes and she willed them away, determined not to fall apart in front of Johnny. She cursed this new stage that she’d been loving up until now, watching her son become more inquisitive. This conversation would have been so much easier had he not had all of these questions.

“Did he die?”

The question took Vanessa by surprise, but she regained her composure as quickly as she’d lost it and replied, “yes sweetheart, he did.” She was racking her brain for reasons he understood enough to ask; maybe it was when Lisa passed away, but they’d barely discussed that and had stayed out of the way. He’d only met Lisa once or twice. It clicked when he said;

“Like Mufasa.”

Of course. She’d just recently taken him and Moses to see the new Lion King. She’d internally criticised the film while watching it for making the death scene so graphic, so upsetting. But now she was thankful, it helped her son understand that his grandad was never coming back.

“Yes.” her voice wobbled, “like Mufasa.”

* * *

Noah finally emerged from his room at midday, exploiting the summer holidays like a typical teenager; up half the night and asleep half the day. He’d been consciously trying to stay out of the way over the past couple of days, not wanting to invade Vanessa’s space after losing her dad. He didn’t fully understand Vanessa and her family, but he did know that it was only recently that her and Frank had started rebuilding a relationship and getting close after all that time apart. He didn’t know anything about her mum, wasn’t even sure if she had one. Empathy wasn’t always something that came naturally to Noah, but if there was something he understood it was complicated families. He felt for vanessa, having to watch her dad die and then put her sister’s feelings above her own. He wanted to help in some way, but when he asked Charity what he could do she didn’t give him the practical answer he was after.

“Nothing babe. There’s nothing any of us can do, we just have to be here and help take care of Johnny. She’ll be okay, stronger than she looks that one.”

By the time he got up the pub was quiet, the boys at holiday club and Charity at work, Vanessa likely over looking after Tracy. Or so he thought. Noah was heading to the kitchen to get something to eat when he saw Vanessa sitting at the table. She was miles away, staring at nothing with a pained expression on her face, it was clear she had been crying by the tracks of makeup left on her cheeks. To Noah, she didn’t look like Vanessa, the woman who’s always smiling and annoyingly cheerful. He knew he should say something but didn’t know where to start. He tried imagining what his mum would do if she was here but that didn’t help; she wouldn’t be too awkward to speak to her. After standing in the doorway for too long he walked over to the kettle and started making a cup of to to Vanessa’s exact specification: weak. Too weak for any normal tea drinker, that was something he would never forget after having to hear her and his mum bickering about it every morning.

The conversation with Johnny played on a loop in her mind. She’d called Rhona to come and pick him up, not able to cope with anymore questions. Vanessa was jolted out of her daydream by a mug of tea being placed in front of her, she was ready to turn around and scold Charity for coming to check on her when she was greeted by a small smile from Noah. He didn’t say anything as he went and sat at the table opposite her, a cup of tea in hand for himself.

“Hope it’s okay, it was hard to go against every instinct and make it that weak.” he joked.

It took her by surprise, how willing he was to just sit here with her. Vanessa saw so much of Charity in him at that moment, making jokes to lighten the mood, judging her taste in tea, his eyes full of emotion that he didn’t dare express.

“It’s perfect. Thanks Noah.”

“I’m sorry about your dad and all that, it must have been really horrible to watch him-”

Noah caught himself before saying something insensitive and the look on his face made Vanessa smile; it was interesting the way a teenager handled these situations. The way he had approached her had been so mature, tentative and thoughtful ensuring he wasn’t invading her space. But there was still the childlike innocence there, mentioning what everyone was thinking but were too afraid to bring up. It brought her so much comfort. Over the past few days she had been obsessing over the fact she’d lost a member of her already small family and it broke her heart. It was just her, Tracy and Johnny. She knew her dad would want her to take care of her little sister but she felt like she was failing by constantly being so close to breaking down. It made her heart warm to be reminded how much things had changed. Her family wasn’t small. She was a part of the complicated, messy, loyal Dingle family and while she would be there for Tracy, they would be there for her.

* * *

“I need to be with _my family_.”

The words stuck. As she knew they would as soon as they came out of Vanessa’s mouth. It would have been easier if it was malicious, if Vanessa had spat the words at her in a grief-stricken rage. But she’d said them so matter-of-fact. Like Charity could have been anyone, not the woman she was engaged to. Charity had been expecting Vanessa to lash out at some point having seen how she’d reacted to Tracy but this, nothing could have prepared her for this. Vanessa looked so defeated as she’d said those words, her eyes red from crying; alone or on a shoulder that wasn’t hers, she wasn’t sure. It should have been hers. And now she was lying in bed replaying those words over and over. And over. _My family_.

She gave up on sleeping after a little while, pulling on her coat and boots before grabbing her phone and stuffing it into her coat pocket. She unlocked the front door of the pub and headed out, taking a seat on one of the picnic benches. The cold surface sent a shiver up her spine, the moisture from the rain earlier soaking into her pyjamas making the cool summer night feel bitterly cold.

Charity hadn’t long been out when her phone vibrated in her pocket. A text message lit up the screen, obstructing the photograph of Vanessa and Noah pushing Johnny and Moses on the swings.

_What are you doing up? _

It was Vanessa. She looked over at Tug Ghyll searching for a light on or any sign of where Vanessa was watching her from but saw nothing.

_Couldn’t sleep. Suppose I’m out of practiceat sleeping alone._

The Charity pre-Vanessa would never have even considered typing out that message never mind sending it. Her stubbornness preventing her from ever reaching out first after a disagreement. But she was exhausted, she’d failed at being there for Vanessa today and needed her to know what a mistake that was.

_Go back to bed._

Her heart sank, the message felt like a punch to the stomach that knocked the air out of her. Charity didn’t know exactly what she’d wanted, maybe a ‘come over?’ or a ‘I miss you’ but the bluntness of the message floored her. She cried. Cried for the tears that Vanessa couldn’t shed in front of her, cried over the heartbreak that is watching the woman you love in so much pain, cried for the conversation she’d had to have with Johnny, cried because Vanessa didn’t see her as family.

Eventually the cold got the better of her and she returned to the pub, locking up and wiping the tears away before making her way back up the stairs quietly, taking extra care to be silent as she got closer to Moses’ room. She wouldn’t cope with a hyper toddler being unable to get back to sleep, not tonight. As she turned the corner she saw her bedroom light on and berated herself for forgetting to turn it off, their last electricity bill had been through the roof after having so many people camping out at the pub. She walked into the bedroom to see Vanessa sitting up in bed, her face still displaying the worn out, blank expression that had taken up Charity’s every thought this past week. She was stunned, even more so when Vanessa smiled at her, she could have sworn it even reached her eyes for a split second.

Not wasting a second, Charity tore off her coat and piled into the bed, pulling Vanessa into a messy hug.

“Babe I’m so sorry.” she rambled.

“I know. And we’ll talk about it all in the morning. I’m sorry too, but for now I just need you.”

Charity’s heart simultaneously broke and swelled at Vanessa’s admission; the first time she’d told Charity what she needed since she’d lost Frank. Charity held on tightly, savouring the feeling of Vanessa in her arms, her chin placed gently on the top of her head. She let one last tear escape.

“I love you.”


End file.
